#LastNightInSweden


Welcome to this week’s #WeekendCoffeeShare. Yes, I have been absent from both the coffee share and the blogosphere due to this pesky lil thing called Real Life, but thought it would be best to reappear online to let my online friends know that I am alive and well.

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If we were having coffee I would tell you that the decision to reappear online is due to an incident that happened in real life, I am sure the news about the terrible, terrible terrorist incident that happened #LastNightInSweden has reached you. I mean, it was huge, believe me. Sweden! Who would believe this! Sweden!

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I live so close to Sweden. So close. I can spit over to Sweden. I’m the only one that lives this close to Sweden. I know Swedes, I know more Swedes than anyone in the world.

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Yes, it was terrible, it was a new Bowling Green Massacre. Only in Sweden. It was huge. It is a mess. Who would believe this! And the fake media is not reporting this!

What really happened was that the Swedish population all had healthcare and great education, paid vacation and maternity leave, democracy and freedom. There was no incident linked to terrorism in Sweden, just like there was no Bowling Green Massacre. And I am sorry to tell my American friends this, but your president is a liar, a narcissistic proto-fascist, and to top it all off: dumb as a brick.

#JeSuisSweden #NeverRemember #SwedenIncident #BowlingGreenMasscre #IdiotInChief

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Care to join us at the #WeekendCoffeeShare ? It has moved and is now hosted by the lovely Nerd in the brain, so come on over and join the link up !

Want to see my previous contributions to the #WeekendCoffeeShare? They are funny, I promise, here are my last five:

What it means…

coffee19Two Statues

Haunt much?

Most of the time

… So Tired!

read my blog

Blur

What it means…


Good morning and welcome to #WeekendCoffeeShare! Today I offer Irish Coffee, Kalypso Coffee, or whatever boozy coffee you prefer. I recon we need lots of booze in our beverages after the Donald has been rummaging around the White House for a week.

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I had written a lengthy text for last weekend’s coffee share, about the Donald. I decided not to publish it, as it was all making fun of him, and I decided it was just too easy. Yanno, sometimes when someone is serving you a clever repartee on a silver platter – that sometimes it is just so easy that it stops being funny? Yea, this was one of those times. Seriously, the fully automatic numpty does not need me turning him into a laughing stock – he’s got that covered all by himself!

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So instead, I thought I’d amuse you with a little story of what happened to me here earlier in the week:

I got home late after a particularly hard day at work. You know, one of those days where you stub your toe, spill the hot coffee all over your desk, get a run in your pantyhose and gets told off by 3 customers – all before lunch! Just a regular day that both starts out as a farce, and just continues as a farce, and finally ends as a farce. Of course, on my way home I had to stop by the grocery store and pick up a few items, just to find the place jam packed by other overworked, tired people with runs in their stockings. It took me an hour just to get through the check out.

Then I come home to a handsome and debonair gentleman who has walked the dog, fed the cats, checked the kid’s homework, cleaned the entire house, and has dinner on the table, lit candles included, can you comprehend what that means? I am serious! Do you know what it means when this man gives you a nice – and much needed – neck rub, draw you a bath and pour the champagne? Do you? Do you know what it means when this man makes sweet and passionate love to you for hours? Do you know what that means?

It means that you have gone into the wrong fucking house!


Care to join us at the #WeekendCoffeeShare ? Then go to  Parttime Monster Blog and join the link up!

Want to see my previous contributions to the #WeekendCoffeeShare? They are funny, I promise:

coffee19Two Statues

Haunt much?

Most of the time

… So Tired!

Handegg (and why Sir Nerdalot is in the dog house)

The Doc’s in!

Fall Folly

1-irish1

An Irishman goes into a bar…

Once in a lifetime

Sausage much?

Brexit explained

The Nerve!

Brexit Tea

a_poem_for_coffee_mornings_funny_coffee_mug-rb5e2b1950a14407495aa8191f1caeef5_x7jgr_8byvr_324Choices

Trouble is my middle name

We should not sleep away the summer night

Diet much?

Wolf Whistle much?

An eggy conundrum

Happy Mother’s Day!

#WeekendCoffeeShare

Nice to meet you

Coffee and taxes

read my blog

FUN RUN


All right, all right! I admit: I have survived two weeks of exercise, and I still have not killed anyone! I ask you to keep that in mind when I go on to tell you just how much I hate exercise. If you just arrived here and don’t understand why I have started exercising when I hate it so much, then please read this post (I haven’t killed anyone!), which explains the need to put myself through such ordeals I am about to describe.

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Sir Nerdalot and I have started a program (that came highly recommended by one of the Nerds coworkers) to get in shape in 7 weeks. Which is kind of weird, as I am already in shape! Round is a shape! This program gives us specific tasks for 7 weeks, and this is supposed to get us into some sort of shape. I am hoping that my midsection ends up more concave than convex at the end of this ordeal. And ordeal it is; my muscles ache, my forehead and whole body is dripping with sweat, and I am wheezing and gasping for air, and it basically feels like my body is about to shut down! Still, I push through, and I just know I am going to end up with terrible muscular cramps in my legs and probably painful injuries – just like the last time I decided to start exercising.

15977979_10154567391256622_1262020767917715231_nYou see, health gurus all over the world claim that exercise is good for ya, and if you refrain from this then you will for sure die a slow and painful death. But exercise is like living a slow and painful life, and I can’t understand how that can be better??? My whole body is signaling that this trotting around the pond must stop, and aren’t we supposed to listen to our bodies? And it’s not just then, yanno, when I am exercising, my body objects. Oh no! It is objecting for days after! I’m sure I can’t possibly feel worse, not even after running a friggin marathon! My thighs hurt. My arms hurt. My butt hurts. My belly hurts. The only part of my body that is not in pain is my hair! Because hair is already dead!

Okay, I chose to start up with this, I could have chosen an exercise that was lower impact and less subjected to the natural elements. But to my defense – I didn’t. Thing is, I like being outdoors, and I like activities in which I can include my dog. For instance – I love hiking and going on walks. I enjoy packing my backpack with picnic food and a thermos of coffee and hang the cam around my neck and go for a walk and take in the scenery while the dog is trotting back and forth sniffing tree trunks and big rocks and is having a grand time. But this is not exercise – I don’t even break a sweat when I do that, as I stop and take pictures, I take coffee breaks, I find somewhere to sit and just take in the nature, just to see, to feel, to be. And the crappy weather? Pfth! I’m Norwegian and I wholeheartedly believe that there is no bad weather, only bad clothing!20150319_125332_005-001

Do I really have anything to complain about? After all, I was the one who chose to quit smoking, and I knew damn well that I would gain weight. I am also the one that chose to start exercising, and I chose in what way I exercise. I am also the one choosing to stick with it, so do I really have anything to complain about? Hell yeah, I do! You see, the genius that made the program I am following, have attempted to come off as positive and motivational, and I would normally appreciate that. In this case, however, it’s painfully stupid:

How can anyone call a 30-minute jog for a “FUNRUN” Serious!!! It is no fun to feel your whole body shutting down, everything hurts, and the wet snow whipping your face feels somewhat acceptable because it cools your overheated face!

Or how about calling the intervals of high intensity runs a “HEALH BOOSTER”? I’m no MD, but I am certain that repeatedly feeling like you are about to die is not the type of health you would want to boost.

Then you have this beautiful little term, the “ENERGY BOOSTER”.  This exercise should be renamed to ENERGY BUSTER, as I do not, at any point before, during or after the exercise, feel like I have boosted my energy. Nope, I feel completely drained of energy. Come on, this is not magic, perpetual motion has always been, and will always be, impossible!

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Despite feeling like I am about to die 3 times a week, and an everlasting pain and soreness in every single muscle and fiber of my body, I will carry on, no matter the weather. After this 7 weeks-program, I will continue for the next 7 weeks. And I hope that by that time, I have started to enjoy it, and might even start to call a 30 minute jog a “FUNRUN”. And if I do, you can bet your sweet little tush that I will be sadistic enough to recommend to my less fit friends that they go for a FUNRUN!

I haven’t killed anyone!


calvin-hobbes-new-years-resolutionsI’m not one for the whole New Year’s Resolution-thing.  The start of the year has no other meaning than Julius Caesar decided the date worked for him for religious and political reasons. Since then both the religion and the Roman Empire has ceased to exist.  (Click here, for a rather interesting read about why the year starts on Jan 1st as opposed to any other date of the year)

I am also not a fan of the whole resolutions thing since they always get broken. You’re good for a week, then it goes downhill from there and you can add yet another failure to your list of accomplishments. I realize that the only thing that has changed since last year, is (drumroll please) THE YEAR!

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The new routine I am trying to implement into my life is in no way, shape or form related to the new year. No, Sir! It is rather, a direct result of a decision I made 10 weeks ago, when I decided to quit smoking.  As many ex-smokers before me have learned, there is an obvious inversely proportional correlation between how much poison you no longer inhale into your lungs and the circumference of your waist. For those of you that have never quit smoking, this is what happens: For every cigarette you do not fire up and inhale, your waist grows! I KNOW! IT’S SICK!

fb_img_1451149176464Then add all the fat and sugary foods us Northerners stuff our faces with during Christmas. Of course, by tradition there must be 7 different kinds of festive bakes. There are several traditional dinners we must go through, and I can assure you – not one of them is particularly healthy! Not even the cod, as it is served with a delicious sauce, consisting of cream and butter. There is chocolate, marzipan, desserts and puddings, there is beer and aquavit, there is soda and there is wine – and it is all flowing in liberal quantities. Of course, quitting smoking under such circumstances may seem foolish if gaining weight is a concern. Yes, I’ll give you that. But then there is never a good time to quit smoking in that respect, there will always be a celebration or an event where one may be tempted to stuff sugar cookies in one’s mouth.

michelingThe thing is – there is a significant difference between quitting smoking and quitting life. I want to keep my social life even though I choose not to smoke. I do want to go about my life in the exact same way as before – just without the smokes! I do want to celebrate X-mas, without the smokes. I want Easter-vacation as well (I do not celebrate Easter religiously, but it is bank holidays and time off), and I do want my marzipan eggs and the sweets and the seasonal foods. I am unwilling to change all of that just because I quit smoking! The result is that 10 kilos places themselves around my waist, and I am down to two pairs of jeans that I am able to zip up, and then the top half of my stomach spills over the waistband making me look as if I got stuck halfway through a motorcycle tire. If I keep this up, I will look just like the Michelin man! And that is the reason I took up jogging!

6fihrI must say that quitting smoking this time is going way better than before. I haven’t really exploded on anyone, and the urge to kill people for being annoying has not been very prominent. Now, that fact alone should qualify for a shiny #weeklysmile!

(If you want to hear all about my first week of jogging, stay tuned for a very, very, very whiney post.)


I am joining the #WeeklySmile bunch, as I wholeheartedly agree with the host, Trent, that we need some positive posts in between all the serious stuff in the news and on the web. Give someone a smile today, and see what happens!

Care to join us at the #WeeklySmile ? Then go to Trent’s World  and join the LINK UP!

Older entries in the #WeeklySmile:

Turkey smiles

Halloween-smiles

Spanish Smiles

Bliss

Identifying my superpower


A recurring question for the various awards that I have encountered in my blogging experience is “If you could choose one Superpower to master – what would it be?” To which I always answer atomic manipulation. Don’t you see? That is the perfect superpower! With atomic manipulation, you can change anything into anything, including yourself! There is no superpower that can beat that, how tempting isn’t that?! X-ray vision ain’t gonna cut it! Flying? Strength? Heck no! They can’t hold a candle to atomic manipulation.

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Unfortunately, atomic manipulation is not my superpower, but I am curious of what my superpower might be. As we have started a new year, I guess the thing to do is to go over last year’s statistics and try to make sense of it. Perhaps my superpower is buried in statistics. There will be two lists, as I am a bilingual blogger. I would like to call myself a polyglot, but I’m not quite there. I guess that would be a nice superpower, when I can’t have atomic manipulation, I mean…

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Well, let’s consider my stats then. The top 15 are Norwegian recipes, which is not surprising as I only do food blogging in Norwegian. Also, not surprising that the Norwegian recipes are on top, as I have a couple of venues to promote my recipe-posts. Thus, I can’t draw the conclusion that recipes in Norwegian is my superpower. Here they are with their English versions listed below in case any of my English-speaking readers would like to check out my top 5 posts:

top-5-food

# 1, my potato salad

This was a result of perfect timing, yanno a great BBQ-side at the start of summer and BBQ-season. You just can’t go wrong with that one!

Norwegian: Verdens beste potetsalat

English: The world’s best potato salad!

last-ned-1# 2 The oyster sauce

I am not sure why this one made such high numbers. I guess the recipe intrigued and resonated with the Norwegians – like it did me! This is one of my fav recipes!

Norwegian: Svinemørbrad i Østerssaus

English: Pork Tenderloin in Oyster sauce

# 3 Cream Puffs

This is a very, very long rant on how I failed making cream puffs first time I tried it. It’s quite a witty text, and I think the reason it did so well was because I posted it in the Facebook group where it happened, so to say.

Norwegian: Verdens Lengste Vannbakkelsoppskrift

English: The world’s Longest Cream Puffs Recipe

# 4 Sandwich cake

This is the recipe I get the most hits on from search monitors, months after the initial marketing of the post.

Norwegian: Smørgåstårta (smørbrødkake)

English: Sandwich-cake (Smørgåstårta)

# 5 Autumn food

Again, timing plays a role. Promoting recipes for comforting autumn-food at the beginning of autumn, seriously, it can’t fail!

Norwegian: Beef and Guinness Stew (Norsk)

English: Beef and Guinness Stew (English)

The top 5 (well, top 15, really) has everything to do with marketing and timing. It has nothing to do with any superpowers. You see, if I find similar venues to promote my English posts, I am sure I will match the numbers for the English posts. Lets look into them anyways:

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# 1: My hometown

This was shared on Facebook by the storeowner I write about in this post. Her friends got curious and clicked the link. Again, how the post is promoted plays a huge role.

Stavanger, forever in my heart

# 2: Surprising current event

I don’t think this one needs any explanation, it is timing all over again.

Brexit Tea

images# 3: Funny recurring post (coffeeshare)

I had built a reader-base for my coffee shares over 3 months, and this post got lots of extra shares because the regular coffee crew liked it.

The Nerve!

# 4: Personal recurring post (coffeeshare)

This one baffles me. It’s not really funny, although there is a feeble attempt at a joke at the end, but it’s a personal post, in which I don’t really say anything. It wasn’t promoted in any special way. I don’t get it. Is this really what you guys like to read?

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# 5: Travel post with fab pics

I think this reached such high ranking because I have entered several Weekly Photo Challenges on the Daily Post. It has sort of accumulated the views over time.

Geiranger, Norway

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I think it is safe images-1to draw the conclusion that the stats won’t reveal my superpower. This trip into stats did reveal a big problem though; I have no idea how to promote my English posts. I have the content, I have loads of it. I have loads of it coming as well, that’s not the problem. The problem is promoting the blog, especially the English posts. If any of you marketing
mavericks and those whose superpower is blog-promotion, feel inclined to drop a few links of venues where I can promote my blog, I’ll be most grateful.

Oh, after all this bopping around in stats, NOW it hits me! I finally understand my superpower:

I make wine disappear! What is your superpower?

Do you want to build a snowman?


(Norsk tekst finner du her: Har du lyst å lage snømann?)fb_img_1449352590569

I started a tradition with the Karate Kid when he was young in making gingerbread men, houses and what have you. We have a vast collection of those things you stick the figures out of the dough with. We now have so many shapes, that we need to double an all ready large recipe to get through them all. It takes a whole fragging day to roll, cut and bake the gingerbread men, and the whole next day to decorate them.

The Kid is now 15 and can’t be bothered to make gingerbread men with his old mom anymore. Thank goodness! So, this year I thought up something quicker, but equally creative. Yup, I made melted snowman cookies! And what do you know – both the Kid and Sir Nerdalot came lurking and wanted to help. I just love the result, some are looking sad and moody, others angry or deformed. So funny!

Now, these are sooooooo easy! Just use your favorite recipe for sugar cookies, mix up a batch of royal icing, open a few bags of sweets like licorice strings, marshmallows and mini smarties for eyes, head and buttons and let your creativity come to life.

'Cuz the ColdWon't last Forever (1)

 

Two Statues


 

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Welcome to this week’s #WeekendCoffeeShare!

Maybe this week we will meet for lunch at a cozy Danish café for a bite and warm beverage. We are having crappy weather with rain, rain and some more rain. It feels even shittier, because my Facebook wall is currently being filled with gorgeous snow-pictures from my Norwegian friends, along with a myriad of hyperboles on how much fun it is to shovel snow… Well, I’m not falling for it! I will however admit to thinking snow is very pretty.

It is this crappy weather and changing seasons that brings me to think about the joke I am about to share with you this Saturday:

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There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, «As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.   The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.   After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, «Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?”

He asks her.   “Shall we?”

She eagerly replies, «Oh, yes, let’s!   But let’s change positions.   This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.”


Care to join us at the #WeekendCoffeeShare ? Then go to  Parttime Monster Blog and join the link up!

Want to see my previous contributions to the #WeekendCoffeeShare? They are funny, I promise:

Haunt much?

Most of the time

… So Tired!

Handegg (and why Sir Nerdalot is in the dog house)

The Doc’s in!

Fall Folly

1-irish1

An Irishman goes into a bar…

Once in a lifetime

Sausage much?

Brexit explained

The Nerve!

Brexit Tea

a_poem_for_coffee_mornings_funny_coffee_mug-rb5e2b1950a14407495aa8191f1caeef5_x7jgr_8byvr_324Choices

Trouble is my middle name

We should not sleep away the summer night

Diet much?

Wolf Whistle much?

An eggy conundrum

Happy Mother’s Day!

#WeekendCoffeeShare

Nice to meet you

Coffee and taxes

read my blog

Haunt much?


Welcome to this week’s #WeekendCoffeeShare! I have missed two Saturdays, because I have been on vaccy! Yup, ten lovely days on the Costa Calida in Spain. Man, was it nice! So, this week I hope you come for coffee and tapas and stay for a while, I do have things to tell you!

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you all about how the in-laws surprised us with a trip to Valencia, the third largest city in Spain, I have written a couple posts already, with pictures – and more is coming!

Spanish Smiles

Me Gusta Valencia, Mercado Central

Me Gusta Valencia – The Silk Exchange

If we were having coffee, I’d also tell you something terrible that has happened! Brace yourself – this is scary stuff!

While in Spain, I noticed that the in-laws had also invited a rude, old hag to stay with them. This wrinkly, grey haired old witch weren’t very sociable either – she only unfurled herself when I used the mirror. This hag did not play well with others! She hogged the mirror and when I asked her to please move – she just looked at me all eerie and grumpily and didn’t budge!

Now, what is even worse, is that this ancient Crypt Keeper, has followed me home to Denmark! I didn’t invite her! I don’t even like her! She’s rude, and ugly, and messy, and grumpy!

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She is smart enough to lay low and stay out of sight most of the day, but without warning, she pops her ugly head up every time I look in the mirror – and will not move so I can see my own beautiful, young face! Argh! She annoys me so bad!

Although I have not caught her in the act, I suspect that she moves my stuff around too, just to piss me off! My immaculately organized home is a real mess! Nothing is where I put it! This is very provocative, as I am a very neat and tidy person. She is a very good seamstress, because she keeps sowing in my clothes, but it is professionally done, there is no way you can see the alterations. See? That is how sneaky she is!

Yanno, she is not paying any rent, and I think she even steals from me! My money disappears way faster than I can possibly spend them! She even drinks all my wine!

This is horrid! Horrid, I tell you! I better get rid of her before Halloween or she’ll scar the minds of innocent little trick or treaters lusting for sweets, if she opens the door and reveals her ugly face! This face is so horrid, you can never unsee it! It will haunt you forever!

Thought it was fair to warn you, who knows where she’ll move in once I get her evicted!


Care to join us at the #WeekendCoffeeShare ? Then go to  Parttime Monster Blog and join the link up!

Want to see my previous contributions to the #WeekendCoffeeShare? They are funny, I promise:

Most of the time

… So Tired!

Handegg (and why Sir Nerdalot is in the dog house)

The Doc’s in!

Fall Folly

1-irish1

An Irishman goes into a bar…

Once in a lifetime

Sausage much?

Brexit explained

The Nerve!

Brexit Tea

a_poem_for_coffee_mornings_funny_coffee_mug-rb5e2b1950a14407495aa8191f1caeef5_x7jgr_8byvr_324Choices

Trouble is my middle name

We should not sleep away the summer night

Diet much?

Wolf Whistle much?

An eggy conundrum

Happy Mother’s Day!

#WeekendCoffeeShare

Nice to meet you

Coffee and taxes

read my blog

Most of the time


Most of the time… when you’re crying, nobody notices your tears.

Most of the time… when you’re worried, nobody feels your pain.

Most of the time… when you’re happy, nobody sees your smile.

Most of the time… when you’re facing a dilemma, nobody sees your inner turmoil.

Most of the time… when you’re deceived, nobody notices your hurt.

Most of the time… when you succeed, nobody notices your relief.

Most of the time… when you retract to isolation, nobody notices your loneliness.

But fart just one time…!

 

pull-my-finger-demotivational-poster-1216127181i-dont-always-fart-but-when-i-do-i-lean-like-this14606344_10154277558161622_6739141624576242938_n


Care to join us at the #WeekendCoffeeShare ? Then go to  Parttime Monster Blog and join the link up!

Want to see my previous contributions to the #WeekendCoffeeShare? They are funny, I promise:

… So Tired!

Handegg (and why Sir Nerdalot is in the dog house)

The Doc’s in!

Fall Folly

1-irish1

An Irishman goes into a bar…

Once in a lifetime

Sausage much?

Brexit explained

The Nerve!

Brexit Tea

a_poem_for_coffee_mornings_funny_coffee_mug-rb5e2b1950a14407495aa8191f1caeef5_x7jgr_8byvr_324Choices

Trouble is my middle name

We should not sleep away the summer night

Diet much?

Wolf Whistle much?

An eggy conundrum

Happy Mother’s Day!

#WeekendCoffeeShare

Nice to meet you

Coffee and taxes

read my blog