All right, all right! I admit: I have survived two weeks of exercise, and I still have not killed anyone! I ask you to keep that in mind when I go on to tell you just how much I hate exercise. If you just arrived here and don’t understand why I have started exercising when I hate it so much, then please read this post (I haven’t killed anyone!), which explains the need to put myself through such ordeals I am about to describe.
Sir Nerdalot and I have started a program (that came highly recommended by one of the Nerds coworkers) to get in shape in 7 weeks. Which is kind of weird, as I am already in shape! Round is a shape! This program gives us specific tasks for 7 weeks, and this is supposed to get us into some sort of shape. I am hoping that my midsection ends up more concave than convex at the end of this ordeal. And ordeal it is; my muscles ache, my forehead and whole body is dripping with sweat, and I am wheezing and gasping for air, and it basically feels like my body is about to shut down! Still, I push through, and I just know I am going to end up with terrible muscular cramps in my legs and probably painful injuries – just like the last time I decided to start exercising.
You see, health gurus all over the world claim that exercise is good for ya, and if you refrain from this then you will for sure die a slow and painful death. But exercise is like living a slow and painful life, and I can’t understand how that can be better??? My whole body is signaling that this trotting around the pond must stop, and aren’t we supposed to listen to our bodies? And it’s not just then, yanno, when I am exercising, my body objects. Oh no! It is objecting for days after! I’m sure I can’t possibly feel worse, not even after running a friggin marathon! My thighs hurt. My arms hurt. My butt hurts. My belly hurts. The only part of my body that is not in pain is my hair! Because hair is already dead!
Okay, I chose to start up with this, I could have chosen an exercise that was lower impact and less subjected to the natural elements. But to my defense – I didn’t. Thing is, I like being outdoors, and I like activities in which I can include my dog. For instance – I love hiking and going on walks. I enjoy packing my backpack with picnic food and a thermos of coffee and hang the cam around my neck and go for a walk and take in the scenery while the dog is trotting back and forth sniffing tree trunks and big rocks and is having a grand time. But this is not exercise – I don’t even break a sweat when I do that, as I stop and take pictures, I take coffee breaks, I find somewhere to sit and just take in the nature, just to see, to feel, to be. And the crappy weather? Pfth! I’m Norwegian and I wholeheartedly believe that there is no bad weather, only bad clothing!
Do I really have anything to complain about? After all, I was the one who chose to quit smoking, and I knew damn well that I would gain weight. I am also the one that chose to start exercising, and I chose in what way I exercise. I am also the one choosing to stick with it, so do I really have anything to complain about? Hell yeah, I do! You see, the genius that made the program I am following, have attempted to come off as positive and motivational, and I would normally appreciate that. In this case, however, it’s painfully stupid:
How can anyone call a 30-minute jog for a “FUNRUN” Serious!!! It is no fun to feel your whole body shutting down, everything hurts, and the wet snow whipping your face feels somewhat acceptable because it cools your overheated face!
Or how about calling the intervals of high intensity runs a “HEALH BOOSTER”? I’m no MD, but I am certain that repeatedly feeling like you are about to die is not the type of health you would want to boost.
Then you have this beautiful little term, the «ENERGY BOOSTER». This exercise should be renamed to ENERGY BUSTER, as I do not, at any point before, during or after the exercise, feel like I have boosted my energy. Nope, I feel completely drained of energy. Come on, this is not magic, perpetual motion has always been, and will always be, impossible!
Despite feeling like I am about to die 3 times a week, and an everlasting pain and soreness in every single muscle and fiber of my body, I will carry on, no matter the weather. After this 7 weeks-program, I will continue for the next 7 weeks. And I hope that by that time, I have started to enjoy it, and might even start to call a 30 minute jog a “FUNRUN”. And if I do, you can bet your sweet little tush that I will be sadistic enough to recommend to my less fit friends that they go for a FUNRUN!